Red Rover, Red Rover, we call Lord Xenu over!

Now we've all heard about Scientology, about all the crazy mumbo-jumbo, about Mr. Tom Cruise. I'd like to set the record straight - there is nothing crazy about Scientology. I'll put a few facts out there, and let you see for yourself. After joining the Church of Scientology, one is encouraged to take several very expensive "upgrade" courses. Each upgrade comes with a new title, or rank, within the church. After many of these expensive courses, the rank "Clear" is given. A Clear is, as defined by the Church of Scientology;

"A Clear is a being who no longer has his own reactive mind, and therefore suffers none of the ill effects the reactive mind can cause. The Clear has no engrams which, when restimulated, throw out the correctness of his computations by entering hidden and false data."

Higher ranks come with access to more information about the church. After becoming a Clear, the story of Lord Xenu is revealed.

Approximately 75 million years ago, Earth was part of a large group of planets - 76 planets and 26 stars to be precise. At that time, Earth wasn't even called Earth. The planet we live on today was called Teegeeack. The planets were overpopulated, with an average population of 178 billion (that's Billion with a B). This was the Galactic Confederacy, and their civilization was (aside from space travel and communication) very similar to our own, circa 1950-1960. The citizens of the Confederacy used planes, trains, and automobiles to get around just like we do - and wore clothing similar to the clothing of that decade.

Xenu was about to be removed from power, so he enlisted the help of psychiatrists and summoned billions of his citizens together under the pretense of income tax inspections. The people were then paralyzed using a mixture of alcohol and glycol, this would freeze their bodies and capture their souls. Xenu loaded the frozen people onto several Space Planes, and took them to the extermination site - the planet of Teegeeack. The Space Planes looked exactly like today's DC-8 aircrafts, with the exception that the DC-8 has jet engines, whereas the transports used by the Confederacy did not.

When they arrived on Teegeeack, the paralyzed citizens were then placed around volcanoes - specifically Loa, Vesuvius, Shasta, Washington, Fujiyama, and Etna, although "many many other" volcanoes were used. Xenu would then drop Hydrogen bombs into the craters of the volcanoes, causing them to erupt - killing billions of frozen citizens. Lord Xenu wasn't finished there, however. Using an "electronic ribbon" suspended over the planet in space, Xenu captured the disembodied souls (called "Thetans") of the dead. This space ribbon would "suck" all of the souls into various "vacuum zones" around the world.

These thetans were then... taken to the movies. Yes, Lord Xenu killed billions and then forced them into a giant cinema, where they watched a 36 day (864 hour) movie. This movie would contain all of the myths which Xenu wanted Teegeeacks future society to be built on. It had to do with God, the Devil, and specifically crucifixion. This 864 hour presentation was designed by Xenu to deprive the thetans of their personal identities - to leave them lost, forever wandering the planet. Attracted to living things, the thetans would surround people, slowly leeching their spiritual energy and personal identity - causing depression and unhappiness.

Xenu would later be captured by a Galactic Confederacy government agency called the Loyal Officers, and locked into "an electric mountain trap" from which he has yet to escape. This prison is said to be located within the Pyrenees mountain range in western France. Teegeeack was then abandoned by the Galactic Federation, and kept only as a pariah "prison planet."

To rid yourself of the thetans which are undoubtedly cluttering your mind, contact the Church of Scientology immediately. Records show that to reach the rank of "Clear" it should only cost approximately US$106,500.

See? Nothing crazy about it.

Christmas, or is it Wayeb?

It's only the beginning of November, and walking through stores and malls we can already see shops getting ready for Christmas. As we get closer and closer to the date, the streets will be lined with lights, and people will be swarming said shops looking for decorations and gifts. Over the centuries, Christians have come to "own" the date. Every religion likes to believe that it's "right" about it's beliefs regarding any subject, and the Winter Solstice is no different. Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ, but that's really not what it's about.

In fact, there are over 30 different celebrations about to take place, all over the world. Most of them, needless to say, are no longer celebrated. They're ancient history, but the reasons for their acknowledgement are the same as those still in practice today. They all revolve around the Winter Solstice... yet only one of them involves Jesus.

Alphatbetically... Amaterasu celebration, in Japan. The Beiwe Festival, in Finland, Sweden, and Norway. Brumalia, celebrated in ancient Rome. Choimus or Chaomos, in Pakistan. Deuorius Riuri, in ancient Gaul. Deygan, or Maidyarem, in ancient Persia (Zoroastrian.) The Dongzhi Festival, in East Asia (Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Vietnamese Buddhism.) Goru, in ancient Mali. Hogmanay, in Scotland. Inti Raymi, in the ancient Incan civilizations (Peru, Bolivia, and Ecuador.) Junkanoo, in the Bahamas. Karachun, in ancient western Slavic civilizations. Koleda, an ancient eastern Slavic tradition. Lanaea, in ancient Greece. Lucia, a feast in ancient Scandanavia, later appropriated by the Catholic Church and renamed to the Feast of St. Lucy (those sly dogs.) Makara Sankranti, in India and Nepal. Maruaroa o Takura, by the New Zealand Maori. Mean Geimhridh, by the ancient Celtic people. (This includes Montol, Wren day, and Alban Arthan, holidays celebrated on the same days all around what is now the UK.) Midvinterblot, a holiday belonging to an old Swedish Folk religion. Midwinter, a modern celebration for people working in Antarctica. Modranicht, and the Perchta ritual, two ancient Germanic celebrations. Rozhanitsa Feast, in Russa. Shab-e Chelleh, a four thousand year old Persian celebration. Sanghamitta Day, a Buddhist holiday. Saturnalia, in ancient Greece. Seva Zistane, a Kurdish holiday. The Sol Invictus Festival, a 3rd centuray Roman Holiday. Soyal, a holiday for the natives of North America (the Zuni and Hopi.) Wayeb, celebrated by the Mayans. We Tripantu, in southern Chile. Yule (Jul, Jol, Joul, Joulu, Joulud, Geol, Geul) Pagan celebrations. Zagmuk, an ancient Mesopotamian celebration. Ziemassvetki, an ancient Latvian celebration.

Oh, and Christmas. There were so many to make note of that I nearly forgot it. One has to consider, with so many holidays being celebrated at the exact same time, what's so special about it? Why December 22nd to the 25th? If this holiday is so widely accepted as the birth of Jesus Christ, why was it being celebrated two thousand years before he was even supposed to have been born? Does it not seem at least a little strange that a day celebrating the birth of a deity is shared by so many different holidays, several of which celebrate the births of various other deities?

If there's one thing that could be considered common knowledge about ancient cultures, it's their obsession with astrology. Many of these civilizations used the stars for everything from naming their children to navigation to predicting seasonal changes. The Winter Solstice, and all celebrations associated with it fit into the latter of those three examples. Observing the stars and where the sun would rise and set each day would allow them to predict just how far along they were into a season. The reason the Winter Solstice was cause for celebration is that it signalled the beginning of the end of winter. From that date on, the days would get longer, the nights would be shorter, and spring seemed right around the corner. These ancient peoples celebrated the time by telling stories and creating metaphorical deities, and Jesus Christ is just another one of those metaphors, another character in a four thousand year old group of fairy tales.
Rather than explain exactly what occurs in the sky during the Winter Solstice, or what took place during all of those celebrations, I'll encourage you to read up on it. Take a few minutes to look into it, and educate yourself.