Red Rover, Red Rover, we call Lord Xenu over!

Now we've all heard about Scientology, about all the crazy mumbo-jumbo, about Mr. Tom Cruise. I'd like to set the record straight - there is nothing crazy about Scientology. I'll put a few facts out there, and let you see for yourself. After joining the Church of Scientology, one is encouraged to take several very expensive "upgrade" courses. Each upgrade comes with a new title, or rank, within the church. After many of these expensive courses, the rank "Clear" is given. A Clear is, as defined by the Church of Scientology;

"A Clear is a being who no longer has his own reactive mind, and therefore suffers none of the ill effects the reactive mind can cause. The Clear has no engrams which, when restimulated, throw out the correctness of his computations by entering hidden and false data."

Higher ranks come with access to more information about the church. After becoming a Clear, the story of Lord Xenu is revealed.

Approximately 75 million years ago, Earth was part of a large group of planets - 76 planets and 26 stars to be precise. At that time, Earth wasn't even called Earth. The planet we live on today was called Teegeeack. The planets were overpopulated, with an average population of 178 billion (that's Billion with a B). This was the Galactic Confederacy, and their civilization was (aside from space travel and communication) very similar to our own, circa 1950-1960. The citizens of the Confederacy used planes, trains, and automobiles to get around just like we do - and wore clothing similar to the clothing of that decade.

Xenu was about to be removed from power, so he enlisted the help of psychiatrists and summoned billions of his citizens together under the pretense of income tax inspections. The people were then paralyzed using a mixture of alcohol and glycol, this would freeze their bodies and capture their souls. Xenu loaded the frozen people onto several Space Planes, and took them to the extermination site - the planet of Teegeeack. The Space Planes looked exactly like today's DC-8 aircrafts, with the exception that the DC-8 has jet engines, whereas the transports used by the Confederacy did not.

When they arrived on Teegeeack, the paralyzed citizens were then placed around volcanoes - specifically Loa, Vesuvius, Shasta, Washington, Fujiyama, and Etna, although "many many other" volcanoes were used. Xenu would then drop Hydrogen bombs into the craters of the volcanoes, causing them to erupt - killing billions of frozen citizens. Lord Xenu wasn't finished there, however. Using an "electronic ribbon" suspended over the planet in space, Xenu captured the disembodied souls (called "Thetans") of the dead. This space ribbon would "suck" all of the souls into various "vacuum zones" around the world.

These thetans were then... taken to the movies. Yes, Lord Xenu killed billions and then forced them into a giant cinema, where they watched a 36 day (864 hour) movie. This movie would contain all of the myths which Xenu wanted Teegeeacks future society to be built on. It had to do with God, the Devil, and specifically crucifixion. This 864 hour presentation was designed by Xenu to deprive the thetans of their personal identities - to leave them lost, forever wandering the planet. Attracted to living things, the thetans would surround people, slowly leeching their spiritual energy and personal identity - causing depression and unhappiness.

Xenu would later be captured by a Galactic Confederacy government agency called the Loyal Officers, and locked into "an electric mountain trap" from which he has yet to escape. This prison is said to be located within the Pyrenees mountain range in western France. Teegeeack was then abandoned by the Galactic Federation, and kept only as a pariah "prison planet."

To rid yourself of the thetans which are undoubtedly cluttering your mind, contact the Church of Scientology immediately. Records show that to reach the rank of "Clear" it should only cost approximately US$106,500.

See? Nothing crazy about it.